Coffee and a muffin...

I met a friend after work today.

He is a very good friend and needed a bit of cheering up after recent events at work, so I suggested that we meet up and maybe go for something to eat.

There is a little restaurant in a hotel just nearby, of which I suggested we went.

Now it's important for you to know that he reads my blog, so when I suggested the hotel he looked at me rather oddly...
"Erm," he managed, "They don't rent rooms by the hour or anything do they?"
"No," I say and sigh, "you can rest easy. However if you are worried we can just go for a coffee and a muffin."
The look appeared again...god is everything a euphemism for a shag?

Finally we agreed on the little hotel and I left him to order some food while I nipped to the ladies. 

It was a very long walk to the ladies, but wow, when I arrived it was so worth it. I just have to tell you that they had the most amazing toilets. As you go in, the lights come on like you are in a spotlight and loud music comes blaring on.

I felt like I was a superstar...you almost jive across to the toilet and it's really difficult to aim straight when your bum is wiggling on the seat to a bit of Janet Jackson.

This has no genuine purpose to the story but I just had to tell you how excited I was by these services...can you tell I don't get out much?

Anyway, my friend and I started to talk about my blog, and he started to regale me with stories of when he was single and how fondly he remembers that life.

He seems like a man of the world, so it was nice to ask some serious questions on which has become my new quest about...relationships et al.

He confessed to me that he has worn a thong...and now has a complete new respect for all women.
Has done more than his fair share of girls in each port.
When his wife and he separated, she decided to leap a fence and try something new with her girlfriend, and he is as nonplussed about this as I am about having toast for breakfast.

He completely understood my thirst for knowledge and was only too happy to enlighten me...and it was a very enlightening conversation.

In fact it was nice to spend an evening with a male friend who just told me what I wanted to know, without any concerns of worrying about it being a possible love interest.

Nothing was off limits; and, it turns out he thinks my knowledge base is ok. I have passed the assessment and will be able to practice the physical some time in the future.

It was a really nice evening and we didn't manage to scare too many people who were eavesdropping on our conversation; (although we did manage to startle two old ladies at the traffic lights when for some reason I mentioned the word anal in a loud voice.)

I can assure you that we did discuss other things, it wasn't purely carnal knowledge...but there is a part of me that is beginning to think I have lived in a small village for the last ten years. Perhaps a reminder to the younger ones, to just get out there and test the water before you settle down.

I want to reassure people that my new life isn't about looking at every page in the Kama Sutra, but at looking at all things anew.

He mentioned to me that I look more positive, not that I was negative before, but that something has changed in me. He is right. I am not nervous about trying new things, I am willing to look at things differently and I am more excited about my future with the hobbits then I have ever been.

If my friend is reading this, then I would like to tell you that I really enjoyed your company this evening, you are a great friend.

Oh, and thanks for sorting out my printer...not, I hasten to add a euphemism.

Flavoured balloons...

It is coming to the end of the summer term here in the UK and most mums, kids and especially teachers are flagging.

Parents look a bit glazed over, teachers are looking less than fresh as Daisy's and the kids are fraught.

Within the next couple of weeks the children will be on summer (ahem) holidays, so by the time it's all over the children will be happier, the teachers will start their days brighter, fresher and with cleaner skin, but the parents may well be alcoholics having survived six weeks home alone with the kids.

Seems that only the kids and the teachers win here.

With this in mind I thought it was time to organise a bit of a girlie evening. Well, more of a Fifty Shades of Grey evening - so that some of the female friends I know can kick back, drink copious amount of wine and settle back for some unadulterated fun...you know, much like men do at a strip club, but with nibbles and coasters.

So I started to sidle up to a few of my mum friends in the school playground - much like a drug dealer does when trying to score, and I whisper low in their ear;

"Fancy," sniff, "erm, coming to a party?" Fervent look around, while the mum nods.
"Ann Summers. My house. Be there for 7.30". Cough slyly, kick a stone and shuffle off.

This will be the first time I have ever arranged a party like this as my normal repertoire in parties is balloon and cake filled, with hoards of screaming kids so this should ideally be a little bit more interesting, although there may still be balloons.

It's all organised, I just have to get out my official invites to my official invitees, get some serious amount of wine, dips and cheese sticks and go from there.

I am sure there will be a blog about it - but in the meantime, if anyone has any advice on what I should be buying (and I don't mean which cheese) feel free to let me know...

Early night...

I am absolutely exhausted today.

My target of blogging every day is very exhausting along with all the other numerous things I have to achieve on a daily basis.

Work has been so busy I really haven't had time to make a cuppa today (violins please), and tonight I made dinner for five boys as a favour to my lovely neighbour who is trying to juggle as much as I am, and she needed to fit some time in to revise for her exam tomorrow.

Good luck hun by the way!

The house is a pig sty, with trails of clothing going up the stairs and toys scattered all over the floor - I know I should pick them up, I know I should wash up, I know I should be wonder woman but tonight I is knackered.com

So I have poured myself a large glass of wine and I am going to watch something rubbish on the TV.

So if you are reading my blog thinking, why is she not talking about sex, toys, hobbits, or fireman (I saw some today so they are still in my subconscious) - then I apologise.

I did buy some sexy knickers the other day though - if that helps.

Laters, baby!

Girl Power...

Well it's been a few days since my blog has had anything to do with any sort of sexual overtone, but seeing as you can't keep a good woman lying down I thought we might address the issue of attraction.

A simple thing one would assume, however during the last few months I have discovered that nothing is ever simple.

Let me set the scene... There is a teacher at the school that the hobbits attend.

This teacher is dynamic, warm, charismatic and empowering. You can see when you talk to them that they completely believe in the children and their achievements, and when any of us get caught in a conversation with them we end up agreeing to support some school project because of the way they sell it.

Some of us mums in the playground have also discussed about how we find this teacher quite attractive, and some have even confessed that they actually quite fancy them.

Nothing unusual really, we all have crushes at some point - all rather healthy, however what is unusual is that this teacher is a woman.

Now before any heterosexual readers start freaking out here none of us are proposing to leave our husbands or, even, jump over the side of the fence to attempt to start a relationship with this woman. Not only are we quite content in the sexual path we have chosen, but also as far as I am aware she has recently married her life long partner and is very very happy.

But is it the fact that she happens to be gay that we find ourselves a little bit attracted to her? Is she so sure about her own sexuality that we actually find that confidence encourages us to be magnetised by her personality?

Perhaps...

However, upon further discussion with friends it turns out that a bit of girl on girl action is not as off putting as us hetrosexuals would believe.

I have a very good friend who, with her husband, rather enjoys watching a couple of ladies getting down to some serious baking. They both get something out of the footage, and neither of them feel uncomfortable with the thought of my friend being turned on by the female form.

So what is it about us, essentially hetrosexual women, that can find other women so darn attractive?

It certainly doesn't happen all the time. I don't find myself staring lovingly at the girl in the checkout in Sainsbury's wondering whether or not to ask for her number. Nor do I find myself checking out women in the changing room, I am normally too worried about the size of my own arse to do that.

From my discussions with others it seems that the majority of the time, women we suddenly find ourselves attracted to are, more often than not, gay themselves.

So perhaps it is just pure curiosity.

Maybe there is a part of us that feels we are missing out, or maybe it's because these women are generally formidable
strong women who make us feel good about who we are.

A few of my hetrosexual female friends have kissed another female, mostly during a drunken session rather than chatting the girl up in the supermarket, and whilst some have found it to be no different from kissing a man, there are others who quite enjoyed the experience.

I am also not embarrassed to tell you that I have a very good friend who piques my interest.

She is fun to be with; she has listened to me have an emotional breakdown on the telephone and dealt with it calmly; she accepts my friendship and me for who I am and doesn't expect me to be any different.

She is empowering, warm and kind and she also knows that I find her attractive. She will also be pleased to hear that I am not about to start snogging her in a dark alleyway and wearing dungarees...her girlfriend may have something to say about the snog at least, if not my choice in fashion.

There are quite clear lines of being gay or being straight, but I also think that there is a blurry bit in the middle of people who we just simply find attractive because of who they are, not because they happen to be male or female.

I have no intention of pursuing my friend as a love interest; I confess I do generally prefer a good old fashioned hetrosexual relationship...but hey, if we ever find each other to be single at the same time, with a nice bottle of wine...who knows...I might get to kiss a girl and like it.

Amendment to life list - Part 1

Top hobbit is not happy tonight.

Telling the top hobbit that it's time for bed tends to do that to him.

He has never been a fan of going to bed, clearly a night owl, however there comes a point that whether he accepts it or not he is still my little hobbit and he needs his sleep.

It's a difficult balance to be honest. Being older he understands more about mummy and daddy no longer living together, and he has found it harder than any of them to adjust to the change.

Consequently when the mini hobbits go to bed, he naturally wants to stay with me, keep me company, cuddle on the sofa and as tempting as hobbit cuddles are, he needs to get some beauty sleep like everyone else.

Being a new single mum I find it hard to argue with him about it as he normally produces the "but I miss daddy" card whenever he is reprimanded or god forbid told No, he can't play Skylanders until three in the morning.

This evening wasn't much different.

I try to do everything that the books say and give him the countdown; tell him what is happening and when - but no matter what I do it nearly always ends up in me losing my rag after he has had hysterics.

Once again tonight there are tears before bedtime.

I can not take away the fact that he misses Daddy, so I acknowledge it. We talk it through and talk through all the wonderful things he is going to do when he goes to Spain next week.

I also acknowledge the fact that Daddy also wouldn't like him being naughty about bedtimes and top hobbit agrees with me. Sniffling into my armpit.

It is very exhausting having the same conversation most nights, but from my very tired perspective, the best thing I can do with any of my hobbits to help them through this incredibly difficult time is lots of love and patience and hope that this sees us through.

We always talk about Daddy in a positive way. I encourage them to do drawings for him and keep him involved and alive in their day; even though there may be occasions inside when I am seething mad at something he may have said or done, that is not their business to know. They need to know that their daddy loves them and as the main parent in their life it is important that I tell them that everyday.

I have no control over what is said about me on the other side of the fence. But as long as I try and do the best for my hobbits, (I can't promise I won't fail at all,) then hopefully they will grow up to understand and be confident young men when the time comes.

And happy.

That is my new amendment to my life list - that no matter what they choose to do in life, that the hobbits grow up to be happy.

One of the most important ones, I think you would agree.

Hobbit logic...

The hobbits went to to a fancy dress party today.
They absolutely love dressing up and have numerous alter egos to go change into and as they start getting ready to choose their outfits for the event, Superman calls down the stairs...

"Mum! Do I have to wear pants?"
"Yes," I call back up the stairs.
"Why?" He enquires, as if one needs a reason.
"Because all good superheroes wear pants, Superman wears his on the outside" I explain rather pleased with myself for my quick thinking.
"Ok." He accepts. However just a few minutes later...
"Mum, do I have to wear pants too?" calls Batman.
"Yes." I state again.
"But I'm going as a skeleton, and skeletons don't wear pants."

I stop washing up and reason that he has a valid point that
I can't argue with.

Consequently Batman is going to the fancy dress party commando as a skeleton.
Hobbit logic is triumphant.

It's highly unlikely that the fancy dress party is going to be a place that I find a love interest. I know all of the parents there and even Mr Pumpkin the children's entertainer has a Mrs Pumpkin.

Thankfully it's just a nice place to catch up with other parents who are as like minded as me in allowing the children to run off some steam.

It also turns out that Batman (aka The Skeleton) is not the only one who has chosen to go commando, as one other mum explains that her daughter informed her on the journey to the party that she had forgotten her knickers. After rushing back home the mother tries with admirable fashion to convince her daughter to put some underwear on also.

This gorgeous little girl has a beautiful dress on; nevertheless it is fairly short when she sits down and both of us look across to the group of children sitting on the floor, feeling quite concerned that Mr Pumpkin may get more than he has bargained for as he gets down among the tiny five year olds.

It is quite endearing watching the children with Mr Pumpkin - they say all the right things, make all the right noises and laugh when they're supposed to.
Hobbit logic is simplistic and honest.

I would rather have hobbit logic over some other adult conversations any day. There is nothing false behind it, no pretence, no dishonesty - it is what it is.
"Yes, you have a big bum".
"No, I don't like your hair."
"Eating carrots doesn't help me see in the dark, my eyes do that." and yes, "Skeletons don't wear underwear."

Conversations with adults can be so much harder; social awareness gets in the way, there are different rules for who you talk to; people can play mind games rather than just being honest and as adults we lie far more than hobbits do.

Perhaps this is why much of the time I prefer the company of hobbits.

They at least will always tell me when I look silly or remind me when it's appropriate to wear pants.

A snog and a snuggle...

I have had a little bit of a flat day today.

Potentially it started out well.

I had a saucy little text message from a friend, which brought a nice smile to my face. It was a little bit cheeky and a little bit suggestive, so anything that makes me feel that someone out there sees me as a potential conquest is always exciting.

Perhaps it was the after effect of the saucy message that made me feel flat. Realising that a message is nice, but is no replacement for a snuggle is a little bit deflating.

Weekends can also be harder as you have constant reminders that you are on your own and normally at the weekend it's family time. Time to do things together after a busy week of school and work.

The hobbits of course are great for company, but they are also fairly good at entertaining themselves so once we had completed a few errands, they kept themselves amused with the Wii, leaving me to watch TV in my own room.

Here I was the adult, confined to my bedroom while they monopolised the lounge with their games...something not right there really.

So I felt a bit abandoned, with only my dad ringing to see if I was still alive.

Thankfully friends always seem to turn up at the right moment. On hindsight I am always amazed at how many friends seem to instinctively know that now is a good time to drop me an email, a message or turn up with a bottle and Tesco chinese takeaway.

We generally assume that people don't want to hear about us feeling low or down, when actually as a friend myself I would rather my friends picked up the 'phone and told me they felt crap, than sit there alone weeping through a bar of Dairy Milk and watching An Officer and a Gentleman.

Eventually after hearing the hobbits beat each other with cushions for the tenth time, I suggested we went out for a game of football. Someone wise told me that hobbit boys are like puppies...walk at least once an hour and feed regularly - and we were getting to the point that they really needed to burn off some excess energy.

With batman in goal, it was spiderman and superman against me, and like the professional footballer I am, I faked injury most of the time just to get them to run around just that little bit more.

In true hobbit style there was a lot of sulking, and at one point the goalie refused to give up the ball as we were scoring too many goals. He literally sat between his makeshift goal posts hugging the ball, with his bottom lip out.

No amount of cajoling and encouragement was
going to give up his prize, so the three of us
decided on doing our own version of the New
Zealand Haka just to scare him into coughing
up the ball.

It looked more like an aggressive form of patta cake, but we got him to laugh so that the game could resume, and apart from medical attention to a bitten lip the rest of the game went without a hitch.

I have no regrets about my recent decision.
On the whole I feel more positive, more energised...more like the old me. But it's only human nature to feel a little lonely on occasion. Nothing serious...nothing that a little flirt and a snuggle wouldn't put right.

My lovely friend B would agree - having a flirt and a snog keeps the lonely feelings away, and tides you over for a good few weeks. All of us single folk should have our GP prescribe PRN for a snog and a snuggle just for a top up, to keep us positive.

That would work - nothing serious, nothing long term, just warmth.

Now where was that text message again...?