Girls and their toys...

It is has recently come to my attention that I may require a new friend.

I have, as millions of other women, been reading '50 Shades of Grey.' If you are one of the few, who have neither read it or heard of it - then I suggest you Google it before we proceed...

Enlightened? Ok...

Being a single girl and all, tis only fair that I look into the purchase of a 'new friend', however I have discovered that at a mere 40 years old...I may be behind the times a little bit.

For example; they are not made of wood.
I never really envisaged that they would be, and actually when you consider that further that could be shockingly difficult to explain to your GP. Yet, when I started to research a little more about this 'female friendly product' I was truly amazed at how many varieties, sizes...and colours (!?) there actually are.

I mentioned it to a colleague at work, and I must point out at this point that this is not the usual type of conversation that we have by the coffee machine, "Oh yeah, sex toys" one says while dunking a digestive, "All the rage now - hey Bill...your missus has one doesn't she?"

However my colleague is a single woman too...ish...and she comes across as someone who knows about these things. So I mention my intrigue, "Oh God yeah girl, get on blah blah blah website, sometimes they do two for one."

What?! Two for one? Buy one, get one free and all that? My mind thinks quickly, do they do it with Nectar points too? Wow, a cupboard full of sex toys could get me and the boys some vouchers to Legoland.

"What would be the point of that" I ask innocently, "One for you and a stocking filler?"
My colleague smiles at me, "No, have them both, I have two" She says gleefully going back to her desk.

Now this puzzles me. Why would you need two? Are they that good that you need one constantly on standby, charging away? Do you have one super size and one for for travel or do you use two at the same time? My innocent brain attempts to compute this information, and considers what position you would need to be in, in order to do that.

Looking at them later on that evening, under the cover of darkness you understand, I am curious about the shape. Some are just penis shaped while others look much like jewellery holders that you pick up at the market, slightly tacky in design and there is even a little place that you can put your rings on. Imagine explaining that to the hobbits...

There are also an abundance of colours; black, purple, red and my particular favourite - neon pink! There would be no danger of losing that slippery sucker under the covers with the lights turned down, passing pedestrians on their way home from the pub would see the neon glow through my very thin curtains... "hey up, number 42 is feeling randy again."

There is also the assumption that you will know what size you will require. There are tiny mini versions, to large super size me ones, how do you judge what is right for you? It's not like I measure myself. I have no idea. I mean after all, I wouldn't want anything too eye watering, but at the same time I would want something a little more productive than a stick in a windsock. Should I contact the help desk and ask them? "Well madam, after having three children, I would advise you to go for the size 3 cock for now, and work your way up."

What if I make a mistake? I can hardly return it. Can you imagine the returns voucher... REASON FOR RETURN: Too big, it appears I am still carrying around some holiday weight. Smaller size required.

Needless to say I haven't yet ordered one - partly because of the above issues, but mainly because I have no idea how it will show up on my bank statement.  However, if I do I will be sure to let you all know...then again, my Dad reads this, perhaps I'll keep that little gem to myself.