The fever pitch here in the UK at the moment is reaching new levels as we try to contain our excitement of homeless people being booted out of London for fear of showing the place up or for overpriced tickets so that only the wealthy can go.
So, yeah you guessed it - I won't be going. I will probably in all seriousness watch and support from the comfort of my armchair - it will be an amazing experience and I actually am quite chuffed it's here - despite the political crap.
However, after a recent conversation with a fellow mum on the school run - I wondered whether it was too late to amend the sporting line up? Now bear with me, but I think I may be onto a sporting winner that parents all over the world don't realise they are already trained for!
So without further ado, and in honour of all parents - let me present to you;
The Morning School Run Heptathlon...
The athlete has to have strong stamina to compete in this event; it is entirely possible that they have to do this on lack of sleep, and the aim is to get all contestants into their correct clothing and at the school gates within a 90 minute window. They may also have other obstacles to encounter like showering or getting themselves ready for work in this time frame, but there are also unexpected factors like juice being spilt; finding a lost library book - or the vomit comet arriving at a moments notice.
The contestants initially gather for The Parade. After a full nights sleep that all athletes would recommend, the contestants are proud to show off their sporting colours this year; these can go from Christmas pyjama blue to naked bum pink; unfortunately it's the last change into red and grey that the hobbits seem reluctant to move into. The athlete must ensure that all contestants have pants and matching socks on.
The Toast Shot - formerly known as the disc shot, is a precision timed event. From bread to toaster, butter to toast and into the mouth must be completed in under 5 minutes. Contestants can and will complain if it's burnt or cold and the whole event may need to be re-completed. It can also be quite a messy event, but truly worth supporting to ensure that the contestants have energy supplies for the morning ahead.
The Relay - This is defintely a team event, and also once again, timing is of the essence; The start of this event is signalled by a break in the adverts and the aim is to get all contestants up the stairs, round the corner, teeth cleaned at breakneck speed, pass the towel to the next runner, and back in front of the television before Ben 10 comes back on. Many fine contestants have been seriously injured at this part of the event so caution is advised.
The Pat-Down - this is truly where the athlete needs to have their wits about them, eyes in the back of their head and ninja like reflexes. Pockets can be filled with toys, sweets or other paraphenalia, and it is the athlete's responsibility to ensure that pockets are emptied, checked and re-checked before leaving the house. The contestants are notoriously sly, and slight of hand can get a tiny yellow tractor back in a pocket in just under 3 seconds.
The Serenity Event - an event where the athlete really needs to reach down and find inner peace. Complete and utter patience is required while the contestants are rounded up and got in the car; only a true professional can face this challenge as contestants go in and out of the front door five times, get distressed because they haven't said goodbye to the hamster, run back upstairs to find their hat - and just when the athlete has all contestants strapped in the car one of them may need the toilet.
The Vocal Event - Rounding up the children to go through the school gate may sound like child's play for some, but this athlete really needs to have a good set of lungs on them. The contestants will scatter like coins upon arriving and the athlete needs to call them back, give them their corresponding lunchboxes, kiss them goodbye before rushing back out of the gate themselves.
The Final Finish - The event is nearly over and the athlete is now back in the car - They have 3 minutes to get to work, there are four sets of temporary traffic lights, a broken down lorry, and it's raining. They will get extra points for singing along to ABBA on the way, parking in a straight line and not having a boiled sweet stuck to their bum as they walk into the office.
1 comment:
You are an Olympian mummy! And it's definitely an endurance event.....
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