What comes next...

"So what happens at the end of the year of being forty?" Asked L last night whilst eating marmite on toast, "what are you going to do next?"

This is not the first time someone has asked me this. The reason I ever started to blog was the inspiration of Lady London last year whilst celebrating my birthday.

I have always written...even as a child. One of my first stories was about The Moon Mootions which Lady London remembers fondly, (I should dig you out a copy one day) and one about Kuthbert, a small colourful dragon of which I even did accompanying pictures to. My father was the inspiration for that one as he always had colourful, amazing books full of dragons and dragon artwork.

Lady London knows me well...too well in fact. She knows that one of my biggest dreams is to write something worthy, something that someone will enjoy; however when I write, my biggest dream is overtaken by my biggest fear; That what I write is so far from worthy that I am ashamed to let anyone read it. Yes, ashamed and embarrassed.

I start with great intentions and really feel that I have something that would make a good book, story or poem (I gave my first boyfriend a poem and I remember being very proud of what I had written...perhaps the only time.)

There are so many excellent authors out there and it is very hard to come up with an original idea. I have only once ever written an actual story long enough to even be considered as a novel, and finished it. Recuperating from appendicitis gave me the time to actually just sit in front of the computer and type....but I wont share it with you...it is pants, truly.

So it was Lady London who suggested the blog. "Just get it out there," she said "and see what feedback you get. This way, you write an observation about you, about life...anything and make it daily."

We discussed this at length over pasta and later on over champagne (it was a great birthday) and came to the conclusion that it would be about my year, after having had such a major change and how I would move on.

Hence the year of being forty...

The trouble is, as L observed, the year of being forty will cease to exist at midnight on the 15th June...so what comes next?

The year of being forty plus one?    The year of being forty one?   Observations of a single mum aged forty and a bit?

Or simply...nothing? It has been an interesting experience trying to write an entry on a daily basis, and sometimes I haven't managed that. I am aware that sometimes I have nothing to share or observe and what I write feels stilted, disjointed and when reading it back it feels forced. Sometimes there has been no blog at all due to many different reasons.

However, on the whole I have had good feedback and I have been writing something separately for a while now.  So maybe it is time to focus on that, rather than the pressure of blogging every day...but L isn't happy with my answer.

He feels that I should still blog, when and if I have an observation on life, however this time make it completely anonymous so that I can be truly honest. He feels that there have been occasions where I have held back and not given away all my true feelings, good and bad, all of my thoughts for fear of recriminations or exposing myself completely.

With just four months to go I need to give this some serious thought...without realising it, the blog has become me, it has become something that I do and it may be very hard to give it up.