A little blue...

For those of you who are not interested in affairs of the heart, today is not the blog for you.

More specifically, the affairs of my heart, then it is definitely not the blog for you. However, this blog is about my journey, and I have to write it down in order to help me process it or move on.

So, if you are not interested in being regaled of tales of affection, or indeed if you know that reading this would provide you with insight on where to put the dagger, then please move away from the computer; put the laptop onto the table and ideally click on to something else.

Regular readers of my blog, (because there are now more than three I am very happy to report,) will know that I have put myself on a dating website. Initially, all was a bit quiet in dating world, however I did eventually start to get chatting to some potentially interesting people, and like the grand national we were off!

One was a disaster. Only to be expected really, and hey as B and Cinderella say you have to kiss a few frogs really before meeting a prince.

It was just lovely number two, that completely blew me away.

After a very long initial conversation on the telephone, this guy managed to tick pretty much every box on my checklist. He was keen to meet and so was I, even though I felt sick as a dog while I waited for him at the agreed place. Sick with nerves I hasten to add, no bad kebabs swishing around - in fact no food at all.

During our first date I found myself completely drawn to him. It was so easy being with this man, I genuinely felt like myself. We had a similar sense of humour, he was comfortable enough to tease me fairly early on, we both had children who we adored and it felt like something special.

Even the first kiss, albeit a bit awkward, signalled that this could be great.

The following three weeks were a bumpy ride. Every new potential relationship is a bit awkward; you are finding your feet, getting used to being with someone else again. Shaving your legs everyday - just in case - adjusting to your own insecurities and wanting reassurance that this guy genuinely likes you.

I confess; he consumed my thoughts. I really wanted to make him happy and thought that he wanted the same things. Much of the intensity came from him, so how could I not think that?

Sadly, it is now becoming clearer that for the moment at least, there is no room in his life for me. I do not want readers to think that this man is a heel, because he isn't. He has things that are occurring in his life that he needs to resolve or deal with, I feel for him in his pain and it is unfortunate that I should have met him at the time he was most unlikely to be able to give me what I really needed.

So after much discussion I am effectively on hold, waiting. He hasn't said it is over, but that he needs time to resolve some of these issues. I am trying to be the most understanding I can. I want to help take away his pain and support him, but I am not allowed...and I miss him.

I am holding onto a golden thread of hope that he misses me too.

Readers should know that he is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. He is kind, thoughtful, interesting and very special. He makes my heart smile when I speak or see him, and my inability to speak coherently on occasion betrays how I feel.

Friends say that I should get out and meet new people. Go back on the website and see who else wants to chat. Perhaps they are right, however when you compare everyone you meet to someone else that seems very unfair.

So without him and my hobbits, I am left feeling a little lost; a little sick; a little sad, and more than a little blue.