There is a danger to wearing your heart on your sleeve and having a blog. The two don't generally mix well...however, this blog was meant to be about my journey for this year, and there is something that I have to write.
Some of my readers and all of my friends know that recently I met someone.
He is the type of person that brought light into a room, he to me, is beyond special and when I met him I instantly knew what real attraction felt like. My stomach dropped whenever I thought about him; he has warmth, charisma and intellect.
He has the capacity to reduce me to talking bo**ocks just by looking at me, and although the last three months of my life has had its ups and downs, it has been better with him in it.
Sadly he exited my life yesterday...for a while or forever I really don't know. But what I do know, is that forever feels too painful to contemplate.
I haven't really written about him to a great degree, partly because it felt too precious to share and partly in case he felt exposed. However, I know he no longer reads my blog so I feel safe that I can expose myself rather than him.
My heart aches this morning and I feel exhausted from the emotion of missing him. This is nothing new to anyone who has experienced a break up, but what is strange is that I have only known him for three months. The effect he has had on me is overwhelming because I can see how amazing he is, and how amazing it could have been.
I should explain that he has his own issues to deal with and if I believe what he tells me, he hasn't left because he can not stand to be with me anymore...that might be easier to deal with...but because he for his own reasons can not take himself down a relationship path at the moment, with ease and a relaxed mind.
So he has taken himself off to heal his own wounds, and deal with the things that he has to face alone rather than with me at his side. In effect he is being the strong one, although he always sees me as the strong person who organises her life and has the hobbits at school on time (albeit with jumpers covered in toothpaste). I would be the weaker one and want him to stay in my life.
When something like this happens, a break up that is not about hate or lack of affection, but more about circumstances that are out of our control then it is harder. I have no concept of whether or not he misses me, or has thought about me, or indeed whether he would want to come back.
How do I move on from that? If it had been about lack of attraction then I could face that, although it would be hard to accept because after all I am lovely (!)...but this is new, and I don't know how to process it.
I have to trust that everything will be as it should be. Perhaps I was only there to help him for a little while, or perhaps I am the one he will think about when he is feeling stronger again...alas, none of us can predict the future.
But whatever happens, I do wish him happiness. Because he deserves every bit of it...as do I.
7 comments:
sending you love and hugs my darling.... you were there for each other when it mattered and who knows, maybe that time will come again, maybe it won't - life is a bitch, ain't she? Stay strong lovely lady xx
Jumpers should have toothpaste on them, mine do...
It sounds as though he couldnt give himself to you fully for whatever reason, maybe after such a short space of time, you dont know enough about him to formulate any of the answers you are seeking, it sounds as though it could have been very one sided due to the issues he was having and therefore........ dont you deserve more than that? Its only been a matter of weeks and you feel the way you do, if its meant to be it will be, in the meantime get lots of hugs from your fab friends and the hobbits of course! X
You are of course right Anon.
Everyone has the right to be made to feel special, and I dont deserve a one sided relationship....no one does...and yes, what will be will be, because life always finds a way of working out eventually. Whatever the outcome x
Anom seems a very wise person, and one that cares a huge amount about the special people in their life...what will be will be! x
Always better at giving out thoughts and advice than sorting out my own issues!!! Even so I hope there have been some hugs this evening from some special people x
Alas Anon, I think I may be the same...can give advice but not sort out my own stuff...I think it is inherent in most of us, and yes there were plenty of hugs from the little people in my life...they did a grand job, and are continuing to do so x
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