50 shades of red...

My friend J often pops round unannounced.

My house runs that way...everyone is welcome.  Tonight I heard the door go while I was on the telephone to my dad, and my lovely friend popped her head around the door.

It wasn't until she had completely entered the lounge that I noticed the pain on her face. She could barely walk, or sit on the sofa for that matter.

"I am in pain." She stated.
"I can see that. What on earth have you done?" I ask still with my dad on the other end of the other line.
With that, she whips up her shirt and shows me the result of her sunbed session today. Not, I hasten to add a nice shade of brown....but burnt skin that looks very sore to touch.

Me, being the friend that I am showed concern and shock, just before I burst out laughing.
"Bloody hell, how long were you on it for?"
She grimaces while trying to get comfortable on my sofa, "only eight bloody minutes!!" She pauses between pain, "oh god, what am I gonna do, it really hurts." Then growls at me to stop laughing.

I do at least have the decency to check my medicine cupboard for Aloe Vera, but can only find some Nivea cream for her to smother herself in. Alas Pootle is in Oz, or I would have raided one of her weird cream concoctions.

Now, she is in a dilemma. Tomorrow night she is off to see her man, the main reason why she decided to have a wee sunbed session, and has another booked in for tomorrow.
"Well, you can't have another one." I tell her.
"I have to, I got three for two," she says defiantly, "anyway if I have another one it will go brown wont it?"
"What?" I nearly throw the Nivea bottle at her, "are you completely blonde? It won't go brown it will go redder you daft tart. The skin is burnt, having another session will burn it more."
She pulls out her sulky face, "then you'll have to spray tan me then."
"Gladly," I say, "but don't expect there not to be graffiti on your back for the man to read...'place cock here' with an arrow pointing down to your arse!!!"

She swears at me, "I only wanted to look nice, why do I always balls it up?" She asks.

The truth is, this does always tend to happen to her...but she always thankfully takes it in her stride and has a good sense of humour about it.

"Do you think sperm would help?" She asks, in only the way that J would ask.
I look at her, and her puppy eyes because she does look disappointed, "babe, sperm is supposed to have medicinal properties for spots and cellulite not for removing sunburn and making you less than 50 shades of red!"
"You'll just have to stay in the spoon position, and take ibuprofen for the pain."

So a note for he who may be reading..Be gentle with her tomorrow, she is really fragile. However, she made my day and I don't think I have laughed as much for a while.