A little black cloud in a dress...

Anyone who knows these immortal words will know it to be from a song by Billy Bragg...a British songwriter from Essex. However they also describe me rather well just a few months ago.

I wasn't only a black cloud in a dress; I could also be seen in several other outfits; black cloud in jeans, black cloud in leggings... Just change my outfit like a cardboard cut out, but the black cloud remained.

It hadn't always been this way, but over time my personality seemed to diminish, my old spark had been extinguished and the more I tried to get it back it seemed further away from me.

I'm not talking about any great depression, but a wearing away of who I was by the situation I was in.

When I first my husband he was fun to be with, an old romantic with romantic values and warmth in his heart. A Spanish man, he had Latino strength and demeanour and always wanted to care for me. I left old Blighty to live with him and we set up our life on a touristy Spanish Island, enjoying Sangria and Paella.

I can honestly say that I wouldn't change any of that. We had a good couple of years just being with each other and wherever he was felt like home. He is a kind man, and a good man so this isn't a tale of abuse or aggression, just simply a tale of how couples lose their way to the point that they can't find their way back.

We were very happy to see the arrival of our first son in 2005, and the following year we got married. I was never conventional. Keen to continue with our family we were scarily confronted after the delightful news that I was expecting again, to be told it was twins. I have never seen a man pale so quickly.

This is probably where things started to go wrong. The emotional and stressful time of having children is hard enough, but we as a team were on our own and with three children under 2 years I felt much of the time that I was on my own. Dealing with the problems of teething, late night crying, sickness; all with the added ingredient of lack of sleep. My husband worked most evenings and weekends, so the majority of the time I was alone, and very much isolated from my friends and family.

In hindsight I now realise that the strength in me, in reality, became my undoing in my relationship with him. I started to do things more and more on my own, reluctant to sit alone at home with three babies and perhaps this is where I left him behind. He in turn often didn't want to join me; he was reluctant to arrange a babysitter to surprise me with an evening out or support me with this mammoth task. Every night alone, feeding, bathing, burping - desperately looking for friends in forums.

When I did get the chance to go out with girlfriends he was indifferent, annoyed because he wasn't going with me even though he'd be working. I gave him chances and choices which he chose to ignore.

You never realise that these things are happening at the time, and hindsight is such an eye opener. I wasn't perfect - I too could have arranged a time when we had quality time together, but whenever I tired to invite him to see Santa with the children at Christmas, or to join in on some school activity he was always too busy. Not seeing the woods for the trees.

I was desperate for company and since our first child was born I had wanted to return to the UK - finally in 2010 we did - after waiting years for him to feel comfortable with the idea. We had visited many times and I had waited four years for it to be right for him to move there. Where we lived was never going to be more than a tourist island, and I wanted the children to have the chances in life that are there for all of us, not limited choices.

I also wanted us to have a better life. I felt that with friends and family around we would do more, see more, live more. I was looking forward to the changes that the future held for us as a family. I very quickly found a better job, and although initially he was out of work I helped him find two jobs that he did and in a climate that is currently under recession it was great that he was working.

Sadly, he didn't want to embrace the new life. He had no intention of learning and improving English and was still unhappy about just 'living'.

After two years of trying to tell him how unhappy I was, and how much we needed to work at our relationship together - I finally accepted that it was not to be just three months ago. I could no longer be with someone who constantly complained no matter what I did or was unhappy, no matter how much I tried to make him smile.

I needed the black cloud to go away, and change back into a blue sky.

It is the toughest, most heart wrenching decision I have made in my life. Even a last ditched 'we will fight' didn't seem to undo the damage that had been done. He couldn't see what was required to change it. He had changed into someone I no longer recognised or could share my life with, and it broke my heart to tell him that it was over.

The reason I write this, is because maybe there is someone feeling the same and my advice is this, as given to me by someone I care about; If there is a decision to be made, just make the one that feels right at the time of making it. You can always change it and you don't have to look too far into the future, or panic about what if I have made the wrong one.

My husband and I broke up - but he decided to completely leave me and the children and return to where his family lived in Spain itself. I had tormented myself about the reaction of the children having us separate, but to actually leave them and see them only on a handful of occasions over the year I was completely shocked.

He left two months ago and I encourage the children to talk to him regularly and they will be going to Spain to see him soon. I will always encourage that relationship, he is their father and I am amazed at how many woman and men use their children as pawns in some kind of cruel game. It was actually my son who helped me come to the decision of separation, as he had heard us argue so much it was affecting him. It shouldn't always be, 'stay together for the sake of the children'. I was going alone for the sake of them - and expensive future therapy!

The weekend he left I felt like someone had died. How could I feel like this when I had made this final decision? Well, because I was grieving for the loss of what was - I remembered him fondly and still do, what we had years previously was amazing, but what we had become was untenable.

So I took each day as it came as advised by my friend. I made the decision that seemed right and I had thoughts of, 'maybe we will get back together in the future' but I never had the thought that I had made the wrong decision. Just a little thread of hope that we would find a way again.

What I didn't realise then, was that I was still a black cloud - I didn't realise that life has a way of showing just what you are capable of when you least expect it.

I don't know when it happened, perhaps while I was opening a newly purchased bottle of wine; perhaps when I realised that financially I could just scrape through this month or maybe it was when he visited recently for our son's birthday. But I suddenly realised that I had been doing it better on my own, and with more laughter in my heart than I had done in a very long time.

I am happier every day. There will always be a part of me that feels guilt for his pain, but he had chances to turn things around on many occasions, and I know in my heart that I gave him those windows of opportunity. I genuinely wish him love and happiness for his future. We will always be his family.

But I feel like life IS for living, that I can say yes to things I previously said no to. My children see me happier and they are happier. I feel like all of the windows are open on a warm summer's day, with a breeze coming through just to keep the place fresh. I see yellow rooms and warmth; my favourite flowers are Sunflowers and large Daisy's; I am experiencing new things and meeting new people and I have no idea of what is round the corner but I want to try it...especially if it's chocolate flavoured!!

However cheesy this sounds; just live your life, we really do only get one (depending on who you believe), but even those who return in a different life, get just that - a different life. I will be warmer, kinder, and just a bit more cheekier. My strength that was my undoing in my relationship will be the making of my future. I intend to die an old lady with lots of memories and not regret one of them, and will encourage my children to do the same.

So my turning of age coincided with my new change of status, hence my blog - you don't have to subscribe, but it will be nice to know what your journey is too and have you tag along if you want to.