Eternal happiness...

I have been to our country's capital today, to spend some quality time with a very good friend.

She has recently announced her forthcoming nuptials, into what can only be described as upper class society and she's bricking it.

Not specifically about moving into new circles, as she can handle her own there - but more about the forthcoming wedding. Lady London (for what she will now will be known as) never envisaged that she would be involved in the planning of her own wedding, and in the past saw her future as Ms Independent - so it's all a bit of a culture shock.

Thankfully - her future husband is rather good at organising things, so she is hoping that all she has to do is turn up in her flowery Dr Marten's (just for aristocracy shock value you understand) and say 'I do'.

Nevertheless, she has entrusted myself and an equally good friend to organise her hen night.

Really? Me?

I can barely organise my own life let alone a day/evening that would do her justice. I was thinking a paintball day, (heck I still have a business card from before) and an evening at a strip club. Would that be wrong? 

Realistically, my co-organiser is far better at these things than I and is already looking at far more girlie things to do which will be more appropriate for the day/evening.  Between us hopefully we will get it right - but the male strip club is still a damn fine idea don't you think?

Consequently, Lady London is also dieting - doesn't every good bride? So she and I have been swimming today and shared a lettuce leaf for lunch. She had the stalk and I had the leaf, I'm not entirely sure who had the better deal.

She also showed me a new App for my phone, where I can measure what I eat with regards to the exercise I do, and how many calories I should be eating on a daily basis - about 5 seems ok for me, and I am hoping to be 8 stone by Sunday. Bring it on!

I don't half set myself some challenges.

So, this brings us onto the subject of exercise; and bearing in mind she is still in lurve and all is flowery and tiny birdlike in her soon to be smug married status, it seemed only appropriate to talk about the exercise that can be found in the bedroom...or anywhere you lay a blanket.

It turns out that there is quite a lot you can do to burn off calories. In fact just taking all your clothes off could effectively burn 8 calories. Then again, I suppose that does suggest that you have a lot of clothes to remove. If you just have your knickers on, I can't believe that jumping out of them would or could produce much energy, so maybe you need to throw on a few layers before whipping them off again to feel the benefit.

"Bear with me love, this could take some time."

Sex itself can allegedly burn off 144+ calories per half hour...hmm, considering my past experience how much do you think 5 minutes does? 144 divided by 30 minutes, leaves just 24 calories burnt off in five minutes - hardly blooming worth it. So before guaranteeing yourself a serious calories burn off that will give you two glasses of Pimms, make sure you pick a man who has stamina.

What was interesting was that some serious heavy making out could burn off 238 calories in an hour. So, don't do the deed just snog and fumble for an hour; lot's of heavy breathing and anticipation apparently holds the key here.

Lastly, but in no way the least - oral sex can apparently burn off 100 calories in half an hour. Would you use an egg timer, and stop regardless because how would you know when the half hour was up? Would you trust the man you were with to guarantee you the actual time?

"I'm sure we've been doing this for over half a hour you know?" Says exhausted woman.
"No, love honest - just 10 minutes, not even over half way yet. Keep going think of all the calories you are burning off." Says very relaxed man.

I am also reliably informed today, by none other than my other friend's husband J, that not only is the calorific content of semen incredibly low, but it apparently improves brain function and general happiness. He even quoted me research where over 200 women had stated an increase in their general 'happy state' due to their regular performance of oral sex.

Do you think this research was done by a man, or a collection of them?

So ladies and gentleman - the research has it. Five blow jobs a day buys us women eternal happiness, increased intelligence and an extra slice of pizza.

I just need to find a willing participant that will allow me to give them oral sex five times a day in order to prove the theory. What an exhausting thought.