Perhaps...

I am trying very hard to move on.

I have genuinely tried to make my blog upbeat and cheery, which to be fair has not really been a true representative on how I feel on a day to day basis. As melodramatic as it sounds, I feel this ache just below my ribs and intermittently feel sick when I allow my brain to drift off and think.

I know what I need to do, I know what I have to do, but my brain conspires against me and constantly reminds me of something that I care about. Then it hurts all over again.

My friend J asked me yesterday morning if blogging helped. She wondered if putting down all my thoughts actually eased anything, or made it worse. I confessed to her that blogging always helps, because it is a chance to write down your feelings and get them out there rather than containing them in a bottle called 'painful'.

She reminded me that this blog is all about my year and these feelings are all within my 'year'. That maybe one day I will look back at them and think of things more clearly, fondly or as simply a nice memory.

It is her that suggested that I write these feelings down...but I am writing them with trepidation. Partly because I feel it exposes me too much, that perhaps it sets me up to be mocked or even chastised; it even suggests that I am one of 'those women', who end up becoming Miss Havisham like types or start going through an old flames bins...thankfully he never had a rabbit!

So here goes....nervous pause...

I miss 'him'.
I range from feeling unworthy and sad, to confusion and on occasion...anger. The feelings of being unworthy stem from the last email with the suggestion that I was not good enough for him. That he suddenly looked at me after some months of giving me signals that I was someone that he cared about, and he saw someone he really couldn't be with.

Hence the confusion. I am clearly not good at reading signals.

There are times when I feel anger. Anger about how the end was communicated to me, not about him specifically; but it felt like they couldn't even bring themselves to tell me to my face how they didn't want me. It may have been just six months, but there was an emotional involvement there in every way...and that includes extended family.

Something that I genuinely love, care about, laughed with and wanted to share things with has gone, and I have been told that it is gone for good.

Did you know, that a part of your brain is dedicated purely to hope? Alas, it is only a tiny bit so don't get over excited. Says it all doesn't it?

Perhaps by writing this down it will help me cleanse what I can not process. Perhaps it will make it hurt less. Perhaps I will think about him less...perhaps, perhaps, perhaps....