Roller coaster...

Summer evenings bring out the best in us don't they?

Tonight was a typical example...an impromptu barbecue at my house, with a nice little gathering of friends; burgers, beer and lots of puddings...perfect.

There is a part of me that is really starting to reflect back on the last year, mainly of course because I know the year of being forty is rapidly coming to an end. In just over a week, I will be the grand old age of 41.
"I don't feel 41," I say to anyone who will listen. "I still feel like I am in my twenties."
"I still feel like I am in my thirties," says J.
A different J is with us this evening and he shrugs when he says,"age doesn't bother me at all. I don't mind being the age I am, I wouldn't want to go back. Now, I can do what I want, I have no young children around me. If I want to buy something I can...if I want to do something, I can."
I suppose it is finally about gaining complete independence.

When you have young children you can't just up and leave or buy whatever you want, because they are the priority, they are the ones who should and will always come first. So actually with the coming of age, as the children start to take on their independence we consequently get ours back.

Nevertheless, I am beginning to really feel as though my independence is returning. I am starting to make plans for myself and my boys, that do not involve anyone else. It is all about us.

Eventually it will be about me going on without them, and of course them without me; but thankfully, for now, I still have them to keep me warm and keep me company. I still have them to laugh with, enjoy and grow with.

They, or I, don't always get it right. But they are beginning to show me their own strengths on occasion and their abilities to turn into nice young men.

I am unsure whether this last year feels so prominent because I blogged about it, or whether as J mentioned to me this evening specifically because I set myself relevant targets...I do plan to do a blog next year, but on chatting to J, I don't think there will be a list next year.

As he said to me, when I think about the entries to the last years blog, the bucket list wasn't really mentioned in a regular way...it was more about what happened in a general way; what experiences I had, who I met, and the journey of the year.

It has been quite a year really, in so many ways.

Let's hope that the year of being forty one is not quite the roller coaster that the past year has been...yes, I would like a good year, but one with a road that has less bumps in it please.