Jam for everyone...

At about 5.20 this evening I hear my front door open and a moment later, J pops her head around the door to the kitchen.

She looks at me seriously and says simply, "I need sperm."

I look at her bemused for a few seconds, (but it feels much longer) and say, "Sorry, I only have coffee."

She sinks down on one of the dining room chairs, "I need sperm now."
I frown slightly at her, "Dare I ask why?"
"Acne. It's a cure."
"Oh...yes, I had heard that - I recall a blog many moons ago about this very thing."
"I don't remember that," she says googling the '8 Things you didn't know you could do with human sperm.'
"Yes - ages ago, talked about the positive effects of Sperm."

"Did you know that you make food with it?"She tells me.
"Eugh...really? Nasty."
"Oh I dunno - it gives a recipe for Creme Caramel here...it is under a company name of Natural Harvest."
"All natural? Oh Poot's will love it."I tell her.

I pass her a cup of coffee, with sweetener I hasten add..."Well, you could always ask D if he could provide you with something for the weekend?"
Her eyes light up - "Would that be appropriate?"
I laugh, "No, but has that ever stopped you before? He could put it in a little pot for you - like a face cream pot."
"Do you think it has a shelf life?" She asks.

I consider this, "I would have thought so. Two - three days tops. Maybe you can put it in the fridge? Or perhaps it has to be kept at room temperature?"
"I don't think my son would approve if he found that in the fridge."
"Well, you don't tell him - say it's a prescription cream."
J laughs..."I don't think a small pot will do either. I need a bigger jar or something."

Poor D....he is gonna have a busy weekend.

"It says you can freeze it too..." She says checking her list. "...and someone painted with it."
Ok, now this conversation is becoming even more bizarre than normal. "Anything else?"

So she informs me that sperm is great for the following:
Eight things you didn't know you could do with human sperm...

After a lot more chatting she finishes her second cup of coffee and starts getting her stuff together...
"Where you off to now then?" I ask.
She gives me a hug, throws her bag on her shoulder and starts to walk out the door;
"I'm off to buy Jam and Marmalade....and I aim to eat a lot of it by the weekend. Ta ta."

Good luck D :-)

The art of communication...

Lady London is getting married in just over a week.

I, and my fellow 'matron of dishonour', have been working hard to produce an appropriate hen day for about six months now...and it is finally here.
So basically it is all our fault if it all goes wrong...and I really will be placed on Portaloo duty on the day instead of my current role;
"Moisturiser? Hand towel sir?"Note I said towel...

I'm afraid I can not reveal the closely guarded 'hen event' as the Lady herself reads the blog, and of course I don't want to ruin the surprise or indeed the heinous activities we have planned for her... *insert wicked wink and smiley face here*, needless to say it will be a very special day.

Nevertheless it will be the wedding of the year for our little circle...so important really that I feel that I should be writing a piece for Hello magazine in celebration...
"Lord and Lady L pose by the fire with their four labradors; the Lady herself is wearing a beautiful design by Alexander McQueen and her boots are by Dr. Martens..." About sums it up doesn't it babe?

My bestie of three decades is finally doing the deed; we all get to see her marry the man she loves...that is of course, unless you kill off anymore vicars, eh my lovely?

So what with the next couple of weeks being wedding feverish, I have been considering how and why relationships work...what excites us about another person? Is it an instant bolt out of the blue? Is it gradual? Is it personality/aesthetics/money? Are you the best lover or Shepherd's pie maker there ever was?
I mean after all, even Woody Allen got married.

If it is instant attraction - what is it that instantly attracted you to that person? Can you describe it? Can you remember your first kiss and did it blow you away?

Lord and Lady L are perfect. They work as a team, but even they started from scratch. They built something from nothing, and have worked at it to ensure that it stayed healthy - not the same, because nothing ever does - but that it developed into the right relationship for them.

Let's be honest; good looks go and the body changes. Money can also come and go, especially if you are Donald Trump...eventually we all end up the same way. The spark that was there before dims...

However I don't believe that has to go away forever. My dad as always, has the answer.

Communication.
This is where he comments and tells me I haven't rung him for weeks...However he is right, relationships last because of communication.

If you can disagree and talk about it; discuss every subject that interests you and still have a response; have a level that you both meet and an honesty with each other, then you will be a man my son...

Relationships break down because of lack of communication. Not because they didn't ever disagree, but because they didn't ever disagree. Does that make sense? Opinions; thoughts; ideas, all shared with someone else is the art of communication. If you spend your life with someone without ever having a cross word, then as someone wise advised me recently then that essentially means that someone in the relationship isn't being honest.

Yes, enjoy the thunderbolt; enjoy the shepherd's pie and the fun bit...but in order for it to keep being fun - talk. Never stop talking.

Good luck Lord and Lady L - I can't wait to see you in that dress my lovely friend; you deserve a lifetime of happiness...you are truly an inspiring woman, a fantastic Fairy Godmother, a terrible car driver and my best friend to boot.

Congratulations to you both. Love you xxx

Anticipating the positive...

I have just been chatting to A.

My A is one of the kindest men I know and I told him so. I could almost feel the blushes through the instant messaging, and he just simply batted off the compliment.

Why do we do that? What stops us from accepting a compliment in the form that it was meant?

Eventually he said Thank you - but I could tell he didn't really believe what I was saying. I wouldn't have believed him had he said it the other way.

Is this a good or a bad thing?
I am trying to get my head around the fact that we find it so hard to believe people, even people that we trust implicitly. Is it because our own self doubt effectively trumps a compliment? The negative outweighs the positive...

On the other hand, is it what keeps us on our toes as it were? If we were the type of person who accepted and believed every compliment that came our way, would that change who we are? Would we become so self obsessed that we would neglect to question our behaviour at times?

If questioning our behaviour to others and ourselves is a good thing, (which I believe it is) and helps us see the occasions when we were wrong or inappropriate then surely on the flip side accepting a well made, truthful compliment is also a good thing?

I would be really interested in how people see this, and indeed how they go about accepting something nice said by another.

Is it because we don't want to fail? Let people down? Believe in ourselves and our abilities? Why would we refuse to believe something positive, but happily accept something negative?

I have another friend, E - she sent me a picture recently of a cow. She said that every time I doubted myself I was to look at this picture and think, 'I am being a silly cow." Perhaps I should post it on here, so that if anyone else feels the same they can chant the same Mantra.

The impact of a compliment should have a much higher meaning than a criticism. I am not suggesting that a criticism shouldn't be paid attention to; there is normally a reason for it and anything that helps us be better people should be noted. Nevertheless, for that reason - a compliment should also be happily accepted...it means we are on the right track; and if someone sees that quality in something you do, or how you are, then you are already nearly there.

Too rose tinted? Sheesh really? :-)

Well, maybe it is - but that would be me anticipating the negativity - so today, I am anticipating the positive and accepting it.

Summer evenings...

Ah the sun is here again - and you know what that means for all of us women don't you?

You got it - we get excited by the fact that we can dry our washing in under an hour...and the kids can play outside for once instead of being trapped indoors while it rains...

Nevertheless it did rain here briefly this evening; the warmth of the evening brought a little rainstorm and Spiderman and I danced around in it, in true hippie style that would have made Pootle proud.

The sun and summer evenings does make us feel so much better, and, dare I say it, a little bit hornier? Hell, yeah, I have said it now and Pootle and I discussed this tonight over a beer...

"How many batteries have you been through this week?" She asks laughing, "It is only bloody thursday!"
"Yeah - poor thing, it is exhausted...every time I go near it now I can almost hear it crying, 'Leave me alone.'" I say with a mock squeal, "It may have ears, but it needs legs to run away."
"Poor thing - it can't even have a fag afterwards!" She says in sympathy.
"Honestly, it isn't that bad - I am on the same ones, I promise. You?"
"Mine is bloody broken. It's not good man."
"No, that isn't good. What did you do to it?"
"Over use man - it's shagged. I tried whacking it against the windowsill, but no go."
I laugh..."Maybe that should be our website idea, recycle your old vibrators..."
"Yes, in this day and age what an idea...we could be saving women all over the world, women and the planet!"
I knew this would appeal to her...trouble is, we have to know how to fix them.
"I could use mine as a prototype...take it apart and see how it is all put together, bang it on the windowsill again."
"Oh, yeah - I can hear your neighbours now, 'Are you alright dear?' 'Yes Mavis, just banging my vibrator up against my window, won't be much longer."

Ah, what an image Poots...perhaps this is an area where recycling is slightly distasteful?

Alas, there are no shops we can pop it into to have it fixed...maybe we need an National Telethon? "Let's get Poots pootling again", with a friendly fluffy smiling vibrator as the image or some other odd marketing strategy....

Hmm - maybe not....it's bad enough that the blog is public, let alone her broken vibrator dilemma...unless I can get Hugh Jackman answering the 'phones...

However, there are some things Hugh can do...but sometimes only a beer in the front garden with your bestie will do...with no batteries in sight and a simple tune...

I love summer evenings...

A glimmer of hope...

A woman is open, honest, kind and bubbly...and she enjoys the company of men equally as much as her female friends.... yet some men see this as a 'come on'...why?

This question has arisen this week and consequently an open and honest debate has ensued at my house this evening...thankfully, you will be pleased to hear not with the Hobbits.

If a man is open and honest about any subject that you can care to think about - he is seen as modern man...a bit of a holy grail....but a woman, who knows her own mind and clearly knows what she likes and wants, is seen as potentially someone who is too independent; slightly intimidating and for others is seen as an opportunity...
...and not always in a good way.

Don't get me wrong - I would advocate honesty over anything and having a man that is equally as honest and kind is truly something to hold onto...J will tell you that.

So what am I trying to say here...clearly something is playing on my mind.

Hmm...well I have had the pleasure (ahem) of a few different dates recently...and conversations with a few different men. Some, read my blog...some don't. Some have known me for sometime and know who I am, what I believe in etc - whilst others have made assumptions and judgements...often wrongly.

However I can not control what people think or indeed feel about me. On the surface I can pretend to be the person who they want me to be, but for those who take the time to find out - there is more going on underneath than simply a conversational blog about vibrators.

Underneath is what is important - not my take on the latest sex toy...if that is the only thing that interests you about me, then you are missing out on my latest opinion of current affairs or indeed my inner most fears and thoughts, essentially getting to know me and I you...does that make sense?

I wouldn't want a male companion who didn't care about those things, who considers that those surface conversations are relevant - cos they truly aren't. Having a discussion about sex with someone doesn't mean that I am game...or indeed available; please don't make that assumption about me.

It just means that I am happy to talk about things in a general way - but trust me, there is far more to learn if you bother to take the time.

Thankfully where some men can not be bothered to take a closer look, there are men out there who will...as I am beginning to find out finally...so Pootle, there may just be a glimmer of hope for us after all...

The grieving process...

"Good evening, Mercedes-Benz helpline, how can I be of assistance?"
Distinct soft crying is heard...
"Hello? Can I help you?"
"Hello...I need help."
"Of course madam," says the young girl softly, "what seems to be the problem?"

A big sigh, followed by some more sniffling, "I have to give it back."
"Sorry, I am not quite with you." She says, confusion in her voice. "You have to give what back?"
"The Mercedes..." I say, my voice full of despair.
"Oh Madam, I am very sorry to hear that. What appears to be the problem with the vehicle?"
"Oh there is no problem...I love it; But someone lent it to me and I have to give it back."

"Oh," she stutters. "I see the problem. Who lent it to you?"
"A friend."
"A very good one, " she says.
I nod as though she can see me..."I am not sure if I can cope without it, I think I need a phased returning of the car...some sort of counselling or support group to get me through the loss."
"I completely understand Madam, however it is very rare that our customers lend out their cars...so we don't have a group. Have you considered the Samaritans?"
"Yep. Already rung them. They told me they couldn't possibly understand what I was talking about. There were suicidal people out there, and I was upset over just a car."
"Just a car? Oh god, I am sorry. The Mercedes is not just a car."
I nod again...she understands.

"Madam, where are you ringing me from?" Her voice is kind and sweet.
"The drivers seat."
"Are you using Bluetooth?"
"God yes," I almost cry in pain and I shift in the seat making a small sound.
"What was that noise?"
"The chains." I inform her.
"What chains?"
"I have chained myself to the car...I thought it would be ok."
"Oh..." She says, now with a considerable amount of worry in her voice. "I understand it is difficult."
"I feel bereft. I will no longer be complete."
"It takes time Madam. First you will experience denial that the car has gone, anger...but finally acceptance. It is the grieving process."
"Really?" I am not cheered, but I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.
"Yes, you have to go through each phase...but the pain will eventually pass."
"Oh good, when?" I ask her.
"When you buy a Mercedes....that will help."
"Oh," I say deflated. "That could be a while."
"Yes, the grieving process does take time." She pauses, "thank you for your call anyway. Your feedback is important to us."
"You're welcome." I say, the chains around my waist chafing a bit. "Goodnight."

Lord, won't you buy me...

It has been a quiet blogging week...

I haven't seen J, C or randomly chatted to strange men to find out some little anecdotes to tell you...I have been too busy driving the beast that is the other half of C's car...are you really sure you want it back J?

It is a bit like having car sex for a week...it is that good. (It really suits me too, Pootle said so.)

Even my dad was in awe of it this evening when he came over to see us...very impressed.

I love the satnav, the stereo, the boot that opens automatically, the seat belts...the engine sound, and so much more...I have even downloaded a specific song to leave for J to listen to when he returns and switches the engine on.

Anyway...enough of my car porn...I can tell that you are bored already, and I can't even see your faces...

So, I am afraid it is a bland blog tonight...but I was aware that I hadn't written for a few days...amazing how times flies when things are good, eh?