Reasons to be cheerful...

I am banging my head on the table right now...

Repeatedly, frustratingly...it hurts a bit, but sometimes when head banging is required - nothing else will do.

Unfortunately, there is no one else involved so I can't even tell you that it is in a passionate embrace with a long haired lover from Liverpool...just an overwhelming urge to bang my head.

So you are probably guessing correctly, that something is frustrating me...not the first time I hear you cry and surely won't be the last. I am sure it will pass, these things normally do...there is always something, or indeed someone, around the corner that will replace the previous frustration.

Head hurts now....

Anyway - good evening peeps :-)

I am aware that my blogging capacity has been lily livered and weak lately. The good news for you is that you have been spared from my regular drivel, but for me this concentration has led to a far more productive time with the 'multi million pound bestselling book' which is just around the corner I am sure.

Never hurts to be optimistic as my dad would say...

I have been plugging away at it...with of course, a regular healthy dose of butt kicking from certain good friends. So thank you to those who have been reading the first draft, to those who have slapped me when I have slumped into my 'Oh my god this is crap' moments, and specifically T who has been quite inspirational at helping me get over those mini writing hurdles...appreciate it dude.

The plan is thus; write a 1000 words a night, edit it, publish it...then f**k off on a yacht with my millions...sounds about right surely?

So, whilst there are some aspects of my life that aren't quite heading in the direction they should be, or turning out to be the good things I thought they might be - there are still reasons to be cheerful...friends and family who continue to believe in you.

Sometimes, a little bit of belief is all you need...

The dictionary according to me...

Honesty;
noun; truthfulness, sincerity or frankness; the quality or fact of being honest....

Communication;
noun; the act or process of communicating; the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing or signs...

I am aware that both of these words I have discussed on here before, but nevertheless I am clearly not communicating it effectively to the masses.

Oh alright I hear you....I mean the few people in the Ukraine who read my blog.


There are occasions of course where honesty is not the best policy...to spare someone from pain or hurt; to appease a child about Father Christmas (although I still believe) or in the event of arranging a surprise - white lies have their place.

Within any relationship communication and honesty still remain, in my mind, the key elements of life with someone else.

They are valued components. They work in conjunction with each other.

With the time and energy that you give to someone else, time you can never get back, these components are paramount throughout a relationship so why not hold onto those values when it is time to say goodbye?

Now shitty things happen to good people. It is unfortunately the way of the world. People make their own judgements, have their own opinions and feelings about others. We can not change what we feel or inherently who we are.

Sadly relationships do come to an end. One or both parties make that decision. That is not my concern here today; my concern is more about the value of honesty and communication in either the breaking down or break up of a relationship.

If someone has given another person time and put energy into a relationship, then surely that person deserves the respect when it comes to the reasons behind why it is no longer working for them. Not only does it help with closure for the relationship and gives the other person the motivation to move on, there is also the chance that after talking things through with clarity and sincerity, that there is a way to resolve issues.

I was once given a reason for ending a 'relationship' that someone had with me which had no foundation. No consideration how I thought about 'the issue' or even a frank and full discussion to discover if it even was an issue. Consequently I never responded either and never told them, that actually it wasn't the issue that they thought it was. They hadn't even given me the respect and time to talk it through with me; they just made assumptions (wrongly) and made their mind up based on those assumptions.

This week this scenario appears once again to have risen its ugly head in a friend of mine. They had no idea that their partner felt that there were issues, they were never given a real chance to talk about compromises and changes in their relationship that perhaps would mean that the issues were no longer relevant. It was over. They had made up their mind...without ever really effectively communicating and discussing it.

Sad isn't it? There was no fight for the relationship, no chance to resolve it and to give respect for the time given. I know this isn't new to people, but interestingly so many relationships would work if people worked harder at being honest and communicating throughout the relationship, and maybe there would be no final conversation.

So in essence, honesty; in short a simple seven letter word...and communication; a slightly longer word, however in the dictionary according to me two words that are vital to the existence of a healthy relationship, and alas of which, some people have no real concept of.

8 out of 24...

Ok the weather was clear, a touch of rain but nothing too horrendous...good day for a road trip, eh?

The impending nuptials of Lord and Lady London are upon us, and with a quick goodbye to the hobbits this morning I set off for the sunny climes of Gloucester.

To be honest, I should have known that things were going too well when the hobbits happily said goodbye; or when I seemed to hit every traffic light at green...or when the policeman didn't stop me for doing 37 in a 30...

However it all went downhill when I hit the main motorway - the M25...also known as London's biggest car park.

Unfortunately for someone there was an accident. I say this because really in the great scheme of things me being delayed is nothing in comparison to someone else's misfortune of being involved in an RTA...however, the impact of said accident was nearly a four delay on a stretch of road that normal would have taken me about 15 minutes to drive.

Initially I was happy. Panic hadn't sunk in...I was ok. I had a coffee in a large cup, I had music and biscuits for sustenance should I require them.

I played with radio channels whilst I inched slowly up the road; bantered with transit drivers but after a while...it may have been in the third hour, I realised my bladder needed some help. I was beginning to worry now...was I ever going to see light? Would I ever see beyond the back of the Jefferson Haulage lorry I was stuck behind? Did I have enough biscuits? I was actually nervous about eating them...in case I was here all night and might need them later on.

The bladder was also getting to be a problem. Some people were parking up and running off into the bushes for relief; there was even a hen party of women all dressed in nun outfits who took it turn to run off into the fields with their crosses and loo rolls. Nuns are clearly prepared for every eventuality.

A kind transit driver did indeed offer me some toilet roll, but I declined and eventually at just peaking the fourth hour got off the motorway and to a road side cafe, to finally rush into a toilet to discover....no damn toilet roll.

Really? Thanks to Dad who got me on the right track again.

So a journey that should have taken me three hours...took me nearly eight and a half...but the chance to see your best friend get married, I don't really care if it had taken me 24.

Jam for everyone...

At about 5.20 this evening I hear my front door open and a moment later, J pops her head around the door to the kitchen.

She looks at me seriously and says simply, "I need sperm."

I look at her bemused for a few seconds, (but it feels much longer) and say, "Sorry, I only have coffee."

She sinks down on one of the dining room chairs, "I need sperm now."
I frown slightly at her, "Dare I ask why?"
"Acne. It's a cure."
"Oh...yes, I had heard that - I recall a blog many moons ago about this very thing."
"I don't remember that," she says googling the '8 Things you didn't know you could do with human sperm.'
"Yes - ages ago, talked about the positive effects of Sperm."

"Did you know that you make food with it?"She tells me.
"Eugh...really? Nasty."
"Oh I dunno - it gives a recipe for Creme Caramel here...it is under a company name of Natural Harvest."
"All natural? Oh Poot's will love it."I tell her.

I pass her a cup of coffee, with sweetener I hasten add..."Well, you could always ask D if he could provide you with something for the weekend?"
Her eyes light up - "Would that be appropriate?"
I laugh, "No, but has that ever stopped you before? He could put it in a little pot for you - like a face cream pot."
"Do you think it has a shelf life?" She asks.

I consider this, "I would have thought so. Two - three days tops. Maybe you can put it in the fridge? Or perhaps it has to be kept at room temperature?"
"I don't think my son would approve if he found that in the fridge."
"Well, you don't tell him - say it's a prescription cream."
J laughs..."I don't think a small pot will do either. I need a bigger jar or something."

Poor D....he is gonna have a busy weekend.

"It says you can freeze it too..." She says checking her list. "...and someone painted with it."
Ok, now this conversation is becoming even more bizarre than normal. "Anything else?"

So she informs me that sperm is great for the following:
Eight things you didn't know you could do with human sperm...

After a lot more chatting she finishes her second cup of coffee and starts getting her stuff together...
"Where you off to now then?" I ask.
She gives me a hug, throws her bag on her shoulder and starts to walk out the door;
"I'm off to buy Jam and Marmalade....and I aim to eat a lot of it by the weekend. Ta ta."

Good luck D :-)

The art of communication...

Lady London is getting married in just over a week.

I, and my fellow 'matron of dishonour', have been working hard to produce an appropriate hen day for about six months now...and it is finally here.
So basically it is all our fault if it all goes wrong...and I really will be placed on Portaloo duty on the day instead of my current role;
"Moisturiser? Hand towel sir?"Note I said towel...

I'm afraid I can not reveal the closely guarded 'hen event' as the Lady herself reads the blog, and of course I don't want to ruin the surprise or indeed the heinous activities we have planned for her... *insert wicked wink and smiley face here*, needless to say it will be a very special day.

Nevertheless it will be the wedding of the year for our little circle...so important really that I feel that I should be writing a piece for Hello magazine in celebration...
"Lord and Lady L pose by the fire with their four labradors; the Lady herself is wearing a beautiful design by Alexander McQueen and her boots are by Dr. Martens..." About sums it up doesn't it babe?

My bestie of three decades is finally doing the deed; we all get to see her marry the man she loves...that is of course, unless you kill off anymore vicars, eh my lovely?

So what with the next couple of weeks being wedding feverish, I have been considering how and why relationships work...what excites us about another person? Is it an instant bolt out of the blue? Is it gradual? Is it personality/aesthetics/money? Are you the best lover or Shepherd's pie maker there ever was?
I mean after all, even Woody Allen got married.

If it is instant attraction - what is it that instantly attracted you to that person? Can you describe it? Can you remember your first kiss and did it blow you away?

Lord and Lady L are perfect. They work as a team, but even they started from scratch. They built something from nothing, and have worked at it to ensure that it stayed healthy - not the same, because nothing ever does - but that it developed into the right relationship for them.

Let's be honest; good looks go and the body changes. Money can also come and go, especially if you are Donald Trump...eventually we all end up the same way. The spark that was there before dims...

However I don't believe that has to go away forever. My dad as always, has the answer.

Communication.
This is where he comments and tells me I haven't rung him for weeks...However he is right, relationships last because of communication.

If you can disagree and talk about it; discuss every subject that interests you and still have a response; have a level that you both meet and an honesty with each other, then you will be a man my son...

Relationships break down because of lack of communication. Not because they didn't ever disagree, but because they didn't ever disagree. Does that make sense? Opinions; thoughts; ideas, all shared with someone else is the art of communication. If you spend your life with someone without ever having a cross word, then as someone wise advised me recently then that essentially means that someone in the relationship isn't being honest.

Yes, enjoy the thunderbolt; enjoy the shepherd's pie and the fun bit...but in order for it to keep being fun - talk. Never stop talking.

Good luck Lord and Lady L - I can't wait to see you in that dress my lovely friend; you deserve a lifetime of happiness...you are truly an inspiring woman, a fantastic Fairy Godmother, a terrible car driver and my best friend to boot.

Congratulations to you both. Love you xxx

Anticipating the positive...

I have just been chatting to A.

My A is one of the kindest men I know and I told him so. I could almost feel the blushes through the instant messaging, and he just simply batted off the compliment.

Why do we do that? What stops us from accepting a compliment in the form that it was meant?

Eventually he said Thank you - but I could tell he didn't really believe what I was saying. I wouldn't have believed him had he said it the other way.

Is this a good or a bad thing?
I am trying to get my head around the fact that we find it so hard to believe people, even people that we trust implicitly. Is it because our own self doubt effectively trumps a compliment? The negative outweighs the positive...

On the other hand, is it what keeps us on our toes as it were? If we were the type of person who accepted and believed every compliment that came our way, would that change who we are? Would we become so self obsessed that we would neglect to question our behaviour at times?

If questioning our behaviour to others and ourselves is a good thing, (which I believe it is) and helps us see the occasions when we were wrong or inappropriate then surely on the flip side accepting a well made, truthful compliment is also a good thing?

I would be really interested in how people see this, and indeed how they go about accepting something nice said by another.

Is it because we don't want to fail? Let people down? Believe in ourselves and our abilities? Why would we refuse to believe something positive, but happily accept something negative?

I have another friend, E - she sent me a picture recently of a cow. She said that every time I doubted myself I was to look at this picture and think, 'I am being a silly cow." Perhaps I should post it on here, so that if anyone else feels the same they can chant the same Mantra.

The impact of a compliment should have a much higher meaning than a criticism. I am not suggesting that a criticism shouldn't be paid attention to; there is normally a reason for it and anything that helps us be better people should be noted. Nevertheless, for that reason - a compliment should also be happily accepted...it means we are on the right track; and if someone sees that quality in something you do, or how you are, then you are already nearly there.

Too rose tinted? Sheesh really? :-)

Well, maybe it is - but that would be me anticipating the negativity - so today, I am anticipating the positive and accepting it.

Summer evenings...

Ah the sun is here again - and you know what that means for all of us women don't you?

You got it - we get excited by the fact that we can dry our washing in under an hour...and the kids can play outside for once instead of being trapped indoors while it rains...

Nevertheless it did rain here briefly this evening; the warmth of the evening brought a little rainstorm and Spiderman and I danced around in it, in true hippie style that would have made Pootle proud.

The sun and summer evenings does make us feel so much better, and, dare I say it, a little bit hornier? Hell, yeah, I have said it now and Pootle and I discussed this tonight over a beer...

"How many batteries have you been through this week?" She asks laughing, "It is only bloody thursday!"
"Yeah - poor thing, it is exhausted...every time I go near it now I can almost hear it crying, 'Leave me alone.'" I say with a mock squeal, "It may have ears, but it needs legs to run away."
"Poor thing - it can't even have a fag afterwards!" She says in sympathy.
"Honestly, it isn't that bad - I am on the same ones, I promise. You?"
"Mine is bloody broken. It's not good man."
"No, that isn't good. What did you do to it?"
"Over use man - it's shagged. I tried whacking it against the windowsill, but no go."
I laugh..."Maybe that should be our website idea, recycle your old vibrators..."
"Yes, in this day and age what an idea...we could be saving women all over the world, women and the planet!"
I knew this would appeal to her...trouble is, we have to know how to fix them.
"I could use mine as a prototype...take it apart and see how it is all put together, bang it on the windowsill again."
"Oh, yeah - I can hear your neighbours now, 'Are you alright dear?' 'Yes Mavis, just banging my vibrator up against my window, won't be much longer."

Ah, what an image Poots...perhaps this is an area where recycling is slightly distasteful?

Alas, there are no shops we can pop it into to have it fixed...maybe we need an National Telethon? "Let's get Poots pootling again", with a friendly fluffy smiling vibrator as the image or some other odd marketing strategy....

Hmm - maybe not....it's bad enough that the blog is public, let alone her broken vibrator dilemma...unless I can get Hugh Jackman answering the 'phones...

However, there are some things Hugh can do...but sometimes only a beer in the front garden with your bestie will do...with no batteries in sight and a simple tune...

I love summer evenings...