Sod the radio!

I am normally someone who enjoys having music on.

The radio is nearly always on or there is music playing somewhere in the house or in the car. But quite frankly, these last few days it is really pi**ing me off.

It is not doing me any good at all...and I am sick of hearing songs about emotions. I was eternally grateful the other day when Thriller came on!

Can you tell that I am having a bad day? Did you know that there was a song called exactly that? Arggghhhhh!!!!

Can someone please sing about something else? Anything...mowing the lawn, unicorns, shopping in Tesco's....anything other than unrequited love or missing someone in the middle of the bloody night!

I have a good mind to complain to EMI, Virgin, the radio stations, or even worse start listening to the shipping forecast.

I am trying very hard to focus on my life, my needs and my hobbits...but Heart FM is not helping. Pathetic isn't it? I am even quite angry at my pathetic-ness, frustrated at my weakness and generally annoyed with myself for feeling this way. Other people go through far worse so why can't I get my head together?

My friends say that time is irrelevant. You either feel something for someone or you don't...no matter how long you have known them. But really? I could hit myself if I wasn't so useless.

My blog does help though. It is excellent therapy...writing my thoughts down helps process them, my conclusions however are not great so are probably not best written down here or I will have an avalanche of friends happy slapping me, whilst recording the beating on their mobiles to replay to me.

Maybe I should write my own damn songs and sing them to myself in the car? The only problem with that is there may be too many swear words in it for the hobbits to listen to!

Show me the arse...

So apparently, I need to get on with what I am good at...wondering...I sincerely hope that I am also good at other things, but for the purpose of moving on and blogging, let us wonder together shall we?

I have a very good friend who is worried about her arse.

Really?
Yes, really. Most women do, but she is worried about it so much that it is playing on her mind with regards to her sex life.

I actually spent some time yesterday morning, groping her arse to get some sort of idea of what she was concerned about. Alas, she refused to show it to me, even though I showed her my cheeks in full bloom much to her horror and equal merriment.

I am not overly impressed with mine to be honest, however it does the job it needs to do...it provides me with a seat, it gives me something to hang my jeans on and gives me some shape...some may say too much shape.

Alas, as always I digress.

She is concerned so much about her arse that it is preventing her from experiencing a particular position with her fella that she rather enjoys. Now most of us have hang ups about parts of our bodies, but normally once the chips are down and the kit and the lights are off, you can normally get over it and go with the flow...however, alas she is deeply concerned about his thoughts on said posterior.

"He already knows what your arse looks like," I tell her while listening to her concerns and sweeping my kitchen floor...we roll like that...multi tasking I think they call it.
"No," She says horrified, "He has never seen it."
I roll back onto my feet, dustpan and brush in hand, "Of course he has bloody seen it. He may not have seen it naked, but he has seen it, he knows the size and he will have a pretty damn good idea of what it is like."
"No...he won't know, and I can't show it to him."
"Show it to me then."
She looks at me horrified, and mouths a silent, No.
"Oh for gods sake woman, just show me your arse, let's see what we are dealing with here."

She of course refuses...so while the hobbits are playing upstairs, I drop my trousers and moon at her...
She consequently falls into a fit of hysterics...well, I never said mine was great.

"It really is that easy babe, it doesn't matter. He really likes you, for who you are. He will know already what your arse is like and it is the whole package that is important."

She absolutely refuses to believe me, so while she is making the coffee I cop a feel against the kitchen work top, "Feels fairly solid to me, good shape...can't see the problem myself."

"What is it," she then asks me, "about men wanting to do it in that position?"
I shrug, "They don't want to look at your face?"
She looks at me seriously, "You are not helping."
"I don't bloody know, I am not a man...positioning, feelings...who knows...I'll ask my dad, he'll tell me."

So to my dad, or to any male who may read this...what is the answer to today's problem? Tell us, so that we can understand and perhaps appreciate the position somewhat more. Tell us if size matters...and tell us why in that position women pretty much have the added pleasure of...ahem..the extra noises.

I await your comments...

The power of me...now.

Recently I had a conversation with someone I was sat next to at a works do.

For some inexplicable reason we got onto the subject of past, present and future, and what he told me resounds with me today.

Drinking copious amounts of tea with B this afternoon, after facing the strenuous task of hobbit herding at McDonalds...I told her what this person had said to me.

Essentially his thoughts were that we spent too much time thinking and considering the past and the future, that we forget to just live in the now. That we don't appreciate what we have right in the moment and that we by-pass everything that is great and good now because we are too busy worrying about what was and what will be.

He then told me about a recent visit to his grandson who is five years old. As he saw him, he couldn't help but exclaim, "It is so lovely to see you, I have missed you so much. Have you missed me?"
His grandson innocently looked at him and said, "No grandpa, why would I miss you? You are here now."

This child wasn't looking at what was, or that his grandpa would be going away again but simply that he was with him now. How could he miss him? He was here in front of him.

I suppose for many of us this information is not that enlightening, but talking it through with B today it really brought it home to me how we waste time doing this. She agreed entirely and had her own example of how she has looked at her own children in that way.

When one says 'what will be, will be' it really is that ambiguous. Concentrate on the power of now, on what we can do in this very moment...achieve, live for, share...live each day not as if it could be your last, but to enjoy and realise what is happening now.

By doing this we actually experience our life as it is happening, rather than second guessing what may be around the corner. So some days may be painful, happy, sad, joyous...but to be the person that I want to be I have to experience them now, in the moment.

That is what empowerment really means to me. The power of me or you...right now.

Getting through today...

I saw this today and wanted to share...



It struck a chord with me this morning and I am very lucky to have hugs on draft.

Last night I cuddled with Spider-Man for over an hour...how can that not make a girl feel better?

Do not fear; happier, normal blogs will resume soon. I am aware that my regular readers have no desire to read 'The year of being forty, including a miserable patch'....I will scare away the few readers I do have.

But once again, I have to thank those friends who have texted, WhatsApp'd me, Facebook messaged me, called me and turned up at my hectic house recently...one even folded my washing! You guys have listened to my ramblings and helped more than you know...and hey, it's not all about me.

It is about you guys too and I know I am incredibly lucky to have such great people around me.

I have to take three hobbits plus one to see Ronald McDonald later...that is bound to give me something else to focus on. We had planned a trip to Monkey Bizness today, but alas after the fiasco of the water pistol fight in the lounge yesterday that was cancelled.

My friend also has a date tonight and she always provides me with insightful inspiration...

So, the radio is on, (although I confess the damn subject matter could be much improved), the hobbits plus one have eaten their weight in eggy bread at the cafe at my house, and we will get through today.

Him...

There is a danger to wearing your heart on your sleeve and having a blog. The two don't generally mix well...however, this blog was meant to be about my journey for this year, and there is something that I have to write.

Some of my readers and all of my friends know that recently I met someone.

He is the type of person that brought light into a room, he to me, is beyond special and when I met him I instantly knew what real attraction felt like. My stomach dropped whenever I thought about him; he has warmth, charisma and intellect.

He has the capacity to reduce me to talking bo**ocks just by looking at me, and although the last three months of my life has had its ups and downs, it has been better with him in it.

Sadly he exited my life yesterday...for a while or forever I really don't know. But what I do know, is that forever feels too painful to contemplate.

I haven't really written about him to a great degree, partly because it felt too precious to share and partly in case he felt exposed. However, I know he no longer reads my blog so I feel safe that I can expose myself rather than him.

My heart aches this morning and I feel exhausted from the emotion of missing him. This is nothing new to anyone who has experienced a break up, but what is strange is that I have only known him for three months. The effect he has had on me is overwhelming because I can see how amazing he is, and how amazing it could have been.

I should explain that he has his own issues to deal with and if I believe what he tells me, he hasn't left because he can not stand to be with me anymore...that might be easier to deal with...but because he for his own reasons can not take himself down a relationship path at the moment, with ease and a relaxed mind.

So he has taken himself off to heal his own wounds, and deal with the things that he has to face alone rather than with me at his side. In effect he is being the strong one, although he always sees me as the strong person who organises her life and has the hobbits at school on time (albeit with jumpers covered in toothpaste).  I would be the weaker one and want him to stay in my life.

When something like this happens, a break up that is not about hate or lack of affection, but more about circumstances that are out of our control then it is harder. I have no concept of whether or not he misses me, or has thought about me, or indeed whether he would want to come back.

How do I move on from that? If it had been about lack of attraction then I could face that, although it would be hard to accept because after all I am lovely (!)...but this is new, and I don't know how to process it.

I have to trust that everything will be as it should be. Perhaps I was only there to help him for a little while, or perhaps I am the one he will think about when he is feeling stronger again...alas, none of us can predict the future.

But whatever happens, I do wish him happiness. Because he deserves every bit of it...as do I.

What will be, will be...

Once again I would like to say thank you to my friends.

They make any situation better and provide me with backbone to get through issues that cause me angst or pain. They are solid advisers and never fail to be there for me.

They remind me that there are some situations that I have no control over, that no matter how nice a person I may try to be I can not always make it better for someone else, and that there really does come a time when I have to put me first...however hard that is to do.

Today, such a situation came into my life and who helped me get through today? J and B pulled out all the stops and picked me up by the scruff of my hoodie and planted me back on my feet again. It is entirely possible they may be doing that for some time yet, (they have been warned,) and have already said they will do it for as long as is necessary.

The strength of my friendships never fail to amaze me. 

Sometimes life gives you a bit of a smacker in the chops, just when you think it is all going so well, the laws of life say 'wait a minute, she is having an easy time here, let's provide her with a new challenge'. There is a part of me that thinks perhaps I deserve it, for some heinous act that I committed in the past, but a larger part of me just thinks it is bad timing, or bad luck. 

Well whatever its background, wherever its origin, it still hurts. 

It won't hurt forever. I know that. But for now, I understand the concept of time dragging its heels because today has been a very long drawn out day. I am grateful that the evening is finally drawing to a close and I can go to bed soon, put my head on the pillow and make out that it is all ok.

Because eventually, it will be...whatever the outcome.

Diva fit...

This morning I had a diva strop at about 10.43, in a lay-by at the side of the road.

It was not pretty, however was quickly calmed by a man in leathers and a bikers helmet.

If you didn't guess I have been out practicing on the bike this morning. It was completely awesome. However, my brain is over thinking what I need to do, clutch control, back brake, front brake, changing gear and cancelling my indicators...I feel like I am on Star Trek working out how to fly The Enterprise with lots of fiddly buttons and shiny lights.

Hence the diva fit.

Thankfully you'll be pleased to hear that I didn't throw my helmet or gloves to the ground, or indeed kick the bike in frustration. It is just so annoying that my hands and feet don't do what they are told, in the order that they are supposed to.

Luckily the guys at Bike Smart are as good as their name and are used to hissy fits and know what to say and how to help.

We paused for a breath and talked through that actually it was probably much like this when I first started driving a car. That I can not expect to get it perfect when I have only been riding for a total of about four hours.

We then got back on the bike and he told me to head on back. That was when it got better. I just relaxed, he never left me of course, but I knew the way back so just stopped over thinking what I needed to do and just did it. A much easier ride home.

I need to stop worrying about it, and just ride the damn bike! I think my next action plan is to go out for the day with the guys and boost that confidence just a little bit more.

They assure me at Bike Smart that I will get there, and if they have confidence in me then I have to believe them. They have, after all, seen plenty of Diva fits in their time...and they all got through.